Playing the odds

Statistically speaking.....

Only 70% of frozen embryos survive the thawing process. 

There is only a 20% success rate of implantation.

And only 43% of women who do get pregnant with FET will carry their pregnancy to term.

With odds like these why would we even bother?

Because its the only game in town where the prize is truly worth it.

Art and Inspiration

When we speak of art, often what comes to mind are the standard forms: paintings, sculptures and the like.

Furniture as art rarely comes into mind.

That's usually the case with me. Until I went to Benjie Reyes' house, saw his furniture and got to speak with him at length over the span of a day.

Benjie is my mother-in-law's cousin. Mom and Dad (John's folks) have been to his house in Antipolo quite a few times, but John and I have never had the opportunity to go with them.

Today Mom invited me to go up to Antipolo with them, since she was going to "inaugurate" Benjie's new kitchen by teaching him and his daughter how to bake bread and make aligue pasta. 

I jumped at the opportunity to see the house that my in laws always spoke about with such glowing terms.

When we arrived in Antipolo we pulled up to an unassuming gate with a lovely fence made of old weathered wood. We walked up a stone path with these great old railroad ties embedded in them, into the glass enclosed foyer/living room of his house which was also where his new pieces were on display.

And my mouth fell open.

First of all --- the house. It was all weathered wood, tegula tiles and big wide windows and glass. It was the house John and I always talked about building when a)we won the lotto, b) he became president of a major Philippine bank, or c) sold all our major organs.

And the furniture. The furniture. Beautiful chairs and tables. All wood. No nails (he uses dowels). All sinuous curves with interesting details. I was busy trying to figure out how to smuggle them to the van without anyone noticing until I realized that they weighed a ton! (he uses recycled hardwood)

Some of his sculptures were also on display (I have to confess --- I tripped over one of them --- oh the shame --- if I broke it I would have to give them my first born child).

He and his wife Caring were gracious enough to give me a tour of their home and I just spent most of the day following them around with my mouth open.

Their home was beautiful, breezy, calming and open --- much like Benjie and his wife who were really warm, wonderful people.

I wish I could post photos. But I was a little embarrassed to act like a tourist in their home, especially since we were "family".

But I promised to help work on their website so hopefully I can post a link of that soon so that you all can appreciate the beauty of his work.

What made the experience so much more meaningful is that Benjie and Caring actually walked me through most of the pieces around their home (they're having a retrospective of his work so they had a lot of them around the house today) and explained to me the history of each piece, his methodology, his inspiration and the science that goes into his craft. 

Yes, the science. 

You see, his pieces aren't just lovely to look at, they are super comfortable and ergonomic. That's saying a lot since his medium is wood and there are no cushions or other batting material. Just wood.

So a lot of thought goes into figuring out how to make pieces that are beautiful, sturdy and comfortable.

I felt so lucky to have the privilege of actually having the artist explain his pieces to me, firsthand. 

I am so looking forward to working on their website. I feel inspired.

Who knows? May be they'll give me an employee discount? :-)

No More Question Marks

It's hard to be part of the fertility treatment roulette. The very thing that sends you to seek treatment, now puts you in control of your own fertility schedule.

There was never any question about wanting to try again after Ines. Of course at the start, the mere thought of trying again would actually cause physical pain in my chest. But then as the months passed, it wasn't so hard to imagine being pregnant again.

John's been very supportive. At the same time, quite pesky about getting me preggers again (as if he would have to do anything with it this time around --- hahaha). His biggest concern is keeping Eeny, Meeny, Minny and Moe under cryostasis too long. They've been in the freezer for over 9 months at this point.

But I've been prevaricating. Its not an easy decision for me to make -- when to get pregnant again. In fact, I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of weeks just thinking about it.

So I prayed. I've been praying every night. For God to give me the strength and the courage to take the necessary steps in trying to get pregnant again. For Him to let me know, in some way, that this is the right decision --- for all of us. And that He will be there with me, to see me through whatever happens next.

This week, I at least got the guts to go to Greg and talk about what needs to get done, and get a prescription for the stuff that helps me get my period. I suffer from extreme amenorrhea and I only get my period twice a year (max). Lucky me eh?

I was supposed to drink the stuff yesterday. But I "forgot". I was supposed to take one this morning. But I "forgot" again. I figured, with our anniversary this Sunday I might as well just take the damned thing on Monday so there's no hindrance to our "sexy weekend" plans. :-)

I guess, God must be tired of all our long, late night conversations (and my irritating indecisiveness). Because today, despite the fact that I haven't taken my meds --- there is no question about whether I should spin the fertility roulette wheel again. 

I got my period.



God: "Any more questions? "

Tanya: (smiles sheepishly)

God: "I thought so. See you in 2 to 4 weeks."

Sciutto and Ines

After being born premature and weighing only 540 grams... and spending 5 months and 6 days in the hospital -- Scuitto is finally home.

I have never met Sciutto and his father Manu. Manu is a friend of my sister Wiway at Deutsche Bank where they worked together. 

When I gave birth to Ines prematurely last July, one of the first people to touch base with us (albeit indirectly) was Manu, through my sister. Sciutto had been born just that June, a little more than 3 weeks older than Ines (who was born at 22 weeks and 6 days).

Manu sent us words of encouragement and advice. He reached out to us by letting us know the specialists they had worked with, where they sourced their medicines, and whole slew of other information he felt we should be armed with given the challenge of having a micro-preemie. He asked people he knew to pray for her.

And we had never even met him.

When Ines passed away 3 days later, he sent us heartfelt regrets and more prayers.

I asked my sister to give me constant updates on Sciutto. I read these updates, looked at his pictures and videos even though it broke my heart to do so. He was a sight to behold. So tiny, yet so brave. So much like my Ines.

I prayed for him when I could. All the hopes that I had for Ines, I passed on to him.

I also prayed for Manu and his wife Dawn. What they went through, what they are still going through, and what they will be going through for some time to come cannot be easy. But Sciutto is very lucky with the parents that he has.

Manu, through his emails, was (is) an inspiration. That we could all strive to be a parent like him. Brave, strong, filled with faith and love. 

It made me cry when I found out he finally went home this weekend.

Tears of joy for Manu, Dawn, Danielino (their oldest son).

Tears of pride for little Sciutto (not so little now at 3 kgs.)

And tears of sadness for me. And Ines.

I just realized now that if I had been able to carry her to term, I would be giving birth to her this week.

So strange. One parent's gain, another's loss.

Still I find it comforting that I can be happy for the Sciutto and his family. Their tale gives me hope that life does go on, in different ways for each of us.

Perhaps its time for me to move on.

Chic or Geek?

It is a testament to my growing geekiness (thanks a lot John) that I am now considering spending my bag-fund on the new 15-inch MacBook Pro instead of a new bag. 

It's not like I need a new computer (like I need a new bag eh?). I've barely maximized the one I have now and its just a little-itty-bitty-underpowered 13-inch MacBook.

But the new MacBooks....how sexy... may be they will make me sexy-by-association too?

Versus

Ask me no questions...

And I'll tell you no lies.

After watching me do the following....

1. Order the Beau Soleil Reduce,Recycle, Renew Tote and the Feed the World Tote from Amazon
2. Buy 3 RIIR bags from the bazaar this afternoon (support sustainable livelihood! what could be more noble than helping women become financially independent through accessories?!?)
3. Unearth my Crumpler, D&G and Tyler messenger bags from the bottom bag shelf (where all bags go to die...or hibernate) for next week's trip
4. Mark out on a map where Harvey Nichols and #5 Canton Road are....

.....John shook his head resignedly and foolishly asked:" Just how many bags can one woman own?"

Whereby I promptly replied: "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Friday Magic Madness

I was browsing through the fall collection of some designers today, and it struck me...lock you closet doors.......80's fashion seems to be making a come back.

Nooooo!!!!!!

The MC-hammer pants. 

Polka dots. 

The high waisted pencil cut skirt (with pleats!) that can't look good on anyone weighing more than 80 pounds. 

The over-sized shirt and leggings. 

Slicked-back Robert-Palmer's-Pepsi-commercial hair. 

The finger-less gloves. 

And two words that should never be together in the same sentence: baggy culottes.... 

Even if it is Commes des Garcons or Marc Jacobs -- it's still got a Madonna circa Material Girl/Like a Virgin vibe to me.

What's next? Waterfall bangs and the return of Aquanet? 

The only thing that should be coming back from the 80's is the music.

So while I'm willing to break out my Duran Duran and Rick Springfield albums (probably still on cassette) -- I'm sticking to Carolina Herrera-like white shirts and pants (I'd love to do the tucked-into-a-ballroom-skirt thingie but am 6 inches too short and 6 inches too wide for it). And 70's-like loose hippie chick clothes. The kind that hide body fat. Not emphasize it.

Ah fashion. Its hard enough for overweight chicks like me to cope with it, there' no need to be cruel and bring the scary form-fitting/unflattering 80's stuff back. 

Oh well, in the words of those 80's sages Devo: when a problem comes along....you must whip it!

Friday Magic Madness

I was browsing through the fall collection of some designers today, and it struck me...lock you closet doors.......80's fashion seems to be making a come back.

Nooooo!!!!!!

The MC-hammer pants. 

Polka dots. 

The high waisted pencil cut skirt (with pleats!) that can't look good on anyone weighing more than 80 pounds. 

The over-sized shirt and leggings. 

Slicked-back Robert-Palmer's-Pepsi-commercial hair. 

The finger-less gloves. 

And two words that should never be together in the same sentence: baggy culottes.... 

Even if it is Commes des Garcons or Marc Jacobs -- it's still got a Madonna circa Material Girl/Like a Virgin vibe to me.

What's next? Waterfall bangs and the return of Aquanet? 

The only thing that should be coming back from the 80's is the music.

So while I'm willing to break out my Duran Duran and Rick Springfield albums (probably still on cassette) -- I'm sticking to Carolina Herrera-like white shirts and pants (I'd love to do the tucked-into-a-ballroom-skirt thingie but am 6 inches too short and 6 inches too wide for it). And 70's-like loose hippie chick clothes. The kind that hide body fat. Not emphasize it.

Ah fashion. Its hard enough for overweight chicks like me to cope with it, there' no need to be cruel and bring the scary form-fitting/unflattering 80's stuff back. 

Oh well, in the words of those 80's sages Devo: when a problem comes along....you must whip it!

A Bag Hag

Hi my name is Tanya, I am a bag hag.

I am admittedly addicted to bags (and shoes, but that's for another post altogether). 

I love all kinds of bags. Cheap ones, expensive ones, leather, fabric, canvas, nylon, local, imported, etc. etc.

I am emotionally incapable of saving

 money for rainy days, but I will save money for a bag.

I'm not as brand conscious as some people think I am. So long as the bag "speaks" to me (esthetically, functionally, monetarily) I will buy it. My latest purchase is a blue tote from Graphic Design Lifestyle:

Cute, cool and all for P450

But to be honest I have been eyeing some juicy eye-candy at Prada:

I love how Kelly from Bag Snob describes her initial reaction to this as "ewww...and then it grows on you....like a sharpie". Hahaha. My sentiments exactly.

But at 90k++ it will remain eye-candy forever.

I read this article recently 

http://www.bagsnob.com/2008/09/every_year_the_start_of.html#more

and it made me laugh out loud. Damn, she sounds like me. And there are women in my daughter's preschool that look just like the women she describes (especially this one woman who is super pretty, super put-together, super nice, and has every conceivable Marc Jacobs bag released --- and not the Marc by Marc Jacobs ones but the nice "fancy" ones that go for 70k and up --- I'd hate her if she wasn't such a sweetheart). 

I'll never be one of those "glam" mommies with their neatly pressed clothes and fabulous handbags. I usually come to school with no make-up, in jeans and a shirt, and whatever handbag was spilling out of my closet at the time.

At least its something to aspire to eh?

Oh how my life has changed. From wanting to be the Marketing Director of a major bank to trying to be a Stepford wife/mom. What a difference a year makes.

P.S. To all the mommies out there may I recommend the Neverfull as the ULTIMATE mommy bag. It is functional and sturdy as hell. And at any given point can hold your wallet, cellphone, makeup case, keys, 13" laptop, ipod, 2 diapers, 1 juice bottle, change of clothes for your child and 2 small towels. Seriously. You might dislocate your shoulder carrying it but it will hold all this stuff. And don't ever EVER buy the Faux Real Tote by Marc Jacobs. The freaking thing peeled on me after 2 months. True I used it every day without fail and it went through sun, rain and a field trip with 15 3-year olds. But I pre-treated it with turtle wax and it still crumbled like a badly baked cookie. Grrr.....

Farewell Aquarius

As we bask in the 40 inch glow of our new 1080p HDTV, I feel a little nostalgic for the old JVC we're giving up. 

It was the first expensive thing I bought John. A full 8 years ago. It seemed so wondrous and huge then. Before that he was using my old I-won-it-in-our-Citytrust-Xmas-party TV in the faux wood (yes wood) frame that I lent him when we were just starting to date. That thing wasn't even cable ready! We had to hook up to an old VCR with a tuner.
We've come a long way from those days. Simpler, but also good, times.

Now I can't even figure out how to compress the image on this new TV since it's stretched out on widescreen format. Dammit. 

To our old JVC, let me quote the astronauts of Apollo 13 as they jettisoned their lunar module off into space: "Farewell Aquarius, and we thank you."

Housekeeping

John and I have spent the entire weekend cleaning our room to make way for his new TV. 

Would it be strange to say that this made me very happy?

Well, for one thing, I am happy that we finally got to give our room the "scrubbing" that it badly needs. It hasn't really been thoroughly cleaned since that time John went to the US and I "imported" my mom's maids to give it the scrub down of a lifetime. That was 4 years ago.

The accumulated dust activated my allergic rhinitis which has completely devolved into a mild asthma attack. But the room is clean and this makes me smile (behind the pieces of tissue that are stuffed up my nose to stop the copious amounts of snot that is dripping from it).

And while we were cleaning the room, John and I spent most of the time talking. We had previously tried cleaning while there was a movie playing the background but this tends to distract us and you'll find us 2 hours later lying on the bed, surrounded by dirt, engrossed in whatever was playing on the telly. We can't agree what music is good to listen to while cleaning (I say happy R&B, he says 80's new wave --- which is the only kind of music he knows) so we can't do that either. 

This is nothing new. We talk all the time. We talk in the car. We talk while walking around the mall. We talk in the shower. We talk while having dinner. We like talking to each other.

We talk about everything: Pilar, movies, books,  gossip, friends, family, current affairs, work, religion, the past, the future, our hopes and dreams. We love to argue. We like to talk about how we're so different. We love it when we realize how alike we really are.

So while we cleaned, we talked. We talked. We laughed. We argued. We agreed. We laughed again.

And while I was sitting on the bed, obsessively rubbing silver polish on an old jewelry case his mom had given, he came over and sat beside me. He watched me for a few minutes and then he said: "You're the best friend I've ever had".

I told him: "I'm the ONLY friend you've ever had."

And we laughed some more.

The Hardest Job in the World

I am pissed.

In the past 2 days I've been questioned why I put down "Mother" as my occupation. Once in the bank while opening a new account, the other in Pilar's Kumon trial class.

And why the hell can't I put "Mother" as my occupation? It is what I do for a living. It is the hardest job I've ever had.

You're on call 24x7.

You don't get paid.

No one ever gives you feedback on your performance.

And you have the most demanding boss in the world.

It's also the best job I've had in a really long time.

I love my boss.

It's fulfilling.

And the goal/target (though still far away and a constant work in progress), is the most significant thing I'll ever do in my life: create a human being that will hopefully make the world a better place.

Whether she becomes a doctor, a teacher, a rocket scientist, a ballerina, or the girl who plays Ariel in Disneyland (which is what she says she wants to be when she grows up: a Disney mermaid or princess) hopefully we'll raise her right so that she will want to be the BEST doctor/teacher/rocket scientist/ballerina/mermaid that she can possibly be. 

Do you know how hard it is (will be) to raise someone who will

- treat everyone kindly, fairly and with respect

- cherish and honor family

- be a good friend

- believe in God

- be a good person

Those are my KRAs (Key Result Areas).

And hopefully one day, preferably before I'm dead so I can hear it, Pilar will say: Good job, Mother.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

My Bookshelf

I love to read. I always have. I have a Shelfari account which has a listing of about 150+ books that I've read but that's a gross understatement. Kind of like saying alcoholics saying they like to drink "sometimes". Or Michael Phelps saying he's won a "few" medals. I'm just too lazy to populate the damn thing.

John was feeling like a handy man over the weekend and installed some new "floating" shelves in the room to give me more space for my books which have threatened to take over the place. Mind you, these are just the books that I am in the process of reading or are planning to read. The ones that I've read have already take over our 3rd floor loft.

The cleared up space on my existing bookshelf gave me a chance to exercise my dormant obsessive compulsive tendencies and gave me space to put away my "office supplies" bag, find a place for her majesty's reading materials, a place for our Wii paraphernalia, and a hiding place for books I've bought but have no intention of reading.

Here are my new shelves. Good job honey.

Friends are always asking me for book recommendations. I'm proud to say I very rarely recommend lemons. Except for Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell which I asked people to read because misery loves company. 

These are the ones I'm reading right now (yes, I read more than 1 book at the time --- it gets confusing with the plot lines sometimes but I manage):

1) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the NIght-TIme (I read Mark Haddon's A Spot of Bother and really liked it so I decided to try this one out). 

2) The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (I've read this before but I enjoy revisiting the tragedy in light of Ines). 

3) For One More Day by Mitch Albom (feeling sappy).

4) Incubus Dreams by Laurell Hamilton (trying out the whole "sexy" vampire thingie). 

5) The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (like I said.....sappy...). 

6) Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber by Adele Lang. 

7) The Tribes of Palos Verdes by Joy Nicholson (no its not what you think it is --- it's about a teenage girl growing up in California). 

8) Summerland by Michael Chabon (I really liked Kavalier and Clay). 

9) Getting Near to Baby (a children's book that deals with death in the family --- may be I'll let Pilar read it when she's older).

10) The Princess Bride (the abridged version by William Goldman.....my name is Inigo Montoya....you killed my father...prepare to die). 

11) Frost on My Moustache by Tim Moore (ever since I read Geography of Bliss and Eat, Pray, Love I've gotten hooked on these first-person adventure thingies..... they let me live through their adventures vicariously). 

12) The Reach of a Chef by Michael Ruhlman (still trying to relive the love affair I had with Anthony Bourdain's books, plus with me learning how to cook...).

Then there are the other things I'm also currently reading. Like magazines (Oprah, Martha, Macworld), graphic novels (Fables, Watchmen, Miss Finch), manuals (Office Mac, Brother MFC685w, cookbooks, and raising children stuff.

Where does she find the time to read (you might wonder)? Well, love always finds a way.

Childhood: Take Two

Growing up we didn't really have a lot of money. My dad was just starting to make his mark in the pharmaceutical industry, and he and my mom had 4 kids. So most of their money went into the basics of every day living, and whatever little was left over had to be judiciously used to buy things for 4 kids. 

So my childhood was never the kind where I got every thing I wanted. I had to wait till Christmas or my birthday to get toys (and since I was born in December it gave my folks an excuse to rip me off and give me one of those "birthday-na-christmas-pa" gifts --- a tradition my husband has decided to continue to this day). 

Looking back now, I don't mind. It taught me to value and cherish the things I own. It also taught me that you can't have everything you want, but if you're patient sometimes you do get what you like. It also taught me to appreciate my parents and how hard they worked to provide us with the things we really needed, and sometimes wanted.

Oddly enough, it was only when I got older (much older) and when my parents had more money that I learned to be more demanding. A little too demanding.....I remember throwing a fit in Vegas one time because I kept insisting that my Dad buy me a pair of loafers, and he flat out refused --- regardless of how much I begged and whined. Looking back now I don't blame him. They were Gucci loafers. I was 17. (The nerve!!!!! Hahaha!!!)

What is the point of this note?

If there's one negative thing that came out of my childhood experience of not having every thing I wanted --- its the danger of spoiling my own child.

Don't get me wrong, Pilar is a wonderful kid. She has never been the type to whine when she doesn't get what she wants. And thankfully, she's never been the kind of kid that throws fits in toy stores when they don't get what they want. She can be reasoned with, and is very cooperative when you have to tell her to put something back on the shelf.

My husband always asks --- how much of it is the fact that she's a good girl, and how much of it is because of the fact that she doesn't really have to ask for anything?

I like to, uh, buy her stuff. Stuff she doesn't even ask for. May be even stuff she doesn't even really like. 

Who likes them? I do. :-)

Case in point: The My Fairy Bridesmaid Castle.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL POP-UP AND PAPER DOLL BOOK IN THE WORLD!!!

Pilar was so-so about it when she saw it. I was like: WOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!

And now she owns it.

Well we own it.

Ok, I own it.

I've spent the entire weekend playing with it. 

It's beautiful. It's interactive! It's fun.

I think I'm going into my second childhood.