Thursday, May 24, 2007

pilar@sta elena

pilar@sta elena
Originally uploaded by tanyathinkingthin.
She is so beautiful.

I find myself staring at her sometimes when she sleeps. Or when she's playing.

I am constantly amazed and filled with wonder at how such a miracle came into our lives.

How I wish I could spend more time with her.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Do, or do not --- there is no trying

I want to be a good mom.

I don't want to persist in being the absentee mom I've been for the last 2 years of Pilar's life. I want to take a more active role. I want to be there for her.

And yet, despite this pressing need in my heart to be a better mom, my own selfishness makes me feel torn.

I also want to have more time for myself.

I want to take long naps.

Surf the net.

Waste countless hours reading books and my back issues of Oprah.

I want to have a pedicure.

On top of all this, I feel the pressure of returning to the office mounting. I know there are deadlines. There are timetables, and projects that are wasting away because I've spent the last couple of days being with Pilar.

So I have parental guilt, personal guilt and professional guilt.

How wonderful is that?

There must be some way to balance all of this out.

A way to spend more time with Pilar and be the parent she needs and deserves.

There must be a way to find time for myself. To read, to relax, to get rid of 2 week old nail polish.

At least work will always be there when I get back. Nothing a couple of overtimes can't cure.


As Yoda always says - there must be balance in the force.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Remote Blogging (aka Pretending to Work While Blogging at the Office)

I wonder if this really works?

Schizophrenia at its finest

I'd forgotten about this blog.

I created it when I needed to vent about a fight with John and I didn't want to put the post on my friendster blog. Especially since it's supposed to be my "shiny, happy people" blog.

Still as the year went on I found myself posting more blogs on the friendster one (including my angst-filled-is-divorce-the-only-solution-left blogs about John) than on this one. And its funny to find this lone blog out of the many that I've written over the past year. I've kept it, not only because it's so dramatic in its content, but also because it's a little more me than the "shiny, happy" posts that are on my friendster page.

I wonder if this will be my only post here for 2007?