Thursday, July 16, 2009

Mr. E. Coompy

This is Mr. E. Coompy

He is the latest addition to our growing menagerie of toilet-roll-with-pipe-cleaners-and-glue" pets. Mr. E. Coompy is the name that Pilar gave him.

He epitomizes the quandary that I am in.

On the one hand, he stands for what my life has been this past year and a half: nanny, personal chef, maid, pet, toy, friend, teacher and magician all rolled into one. I am Mommy.

On the other, I see Mr. E. Coompy and realize he is my biggest "achievement" of the day. So I wonder: What the.....?

Growing up, this is never who I thought I'd grow up to be. Lawyer, theater director, writer.... these are things that come to mind. But Mother was never part of that list.

I was groomed to be a Master of the Universe. My father always told me that I would grow up to be someone very important someday.

So as I end my day packing away Dora and her friends, wondering about tomorrow's menu and making mental reminders to arrange for a play date in the afternoon --- is this all there is to me now?

Is my life on hold, as hers goes fast forward?

Because as much as I love being with her, being there to watch her grow and be such an integral part of her life.....I miss the life... the me.. I had to give up to be here.

Not the work, but the sense of fulfillment it gave me. The sense of self, of worth, that I got in a job well done. The little personal achievements, milestones. The ego-stroking. The love of self that I felt knowing that I was good at what I did, and people knew it.

May be it boils down to a question of who do I love more? Myself? Or her?

The answer will always be... her. So much more than myself, or the version of me I'd always thought I'd grow up to be.

So I pack away these thoughts and doubts along with her jigsaw puzzle pieces.... and the other pieces of my life that puzzle me.

I may not be the Master of my Universe. But her world revolves around me (for now) --- so may be I am the Sun in hers.

And at least I was able to fulfill my father's prophesy: I AM someone very important. To the one person who matters the most.