Friday, January 08, 2010

Waiting to Exhale

I am going to take advantage of my limited "sitting time" to blog a little.

I've been meaning to write an introspective blog about the past year (2009), may be even about the past decade --- most especially on how different my life, and I, have become in such a short period of time. But with a tummy full of pancakes and reruns of TMZ on the TV I don't think I have the intellectual wherewithall to do it. Besides, as per the timer on my table I only have 20 minutes left before I have to lie down again.

I have spent the past couple of weeks buried under a shroud of anxiety over my cerclage. Now that the procedure itself is over you'd think I'd feel a little less stressed, a little less paranoid. But I still am. Every trip to the bathroom is followed by close inspection of tissue papers for spotting. Every tummy cramp, nudge, tightening is met with bated breath to see if it'll develop into a contraction. I know that the anxiety is not helping/healthy. I know that people mean well when they tell me to relax. Easier said than done my amigos. After losing 3 babies to premature labor I think I have earned this neurosis.

To help manage my stress I read, take long naps, watch nonsensical television and pray. I stay strong by reminding myself that it has only been through God's grace that we have been able to get here, to get this far. His grace will see us through whatever comes next.

Yes, I have become a Jesus freak and that's ok by me. In our long late night conversations, I feel like He's the only one who really understands me (I think the one-sidedness of our conversations goes a long way). Hahaha.

I don't think I'll be able to relax or take a deep breath until this baby is in my arms. But that's ok. Only 20 more weeks to go. I can hold my breath for that long.

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