Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fight or Flight?

I have been obsessively scouring the internet of cheap airfares to the US, this despite the fact that we have just come from vacation (although traveling with a 4-year old is NEVER a vacation for anyone).

I don't know why I have itchy feet syndrome. Why being home just makes me anxious and raring to be anyplace but here. May be because when I'm home I just have a tendency to veg-out. I can lie in bed all day in my pjs watching God-knows-what on TV or surfing the internet. I know there are soooooo many things that I should be doing, but I just can't muster up the energy to do them. Things to fix, things to pack away, things to give away.... it stresses me out just thinking about them... and yet.... I can't be bothered. I feel lazy and tired and.....

I have purposely refused to be introspective the last couple of months. It just depresses the living hell out of me. I try not to delve into my own psyche too deeply --- I know what's waiting down there for me. They are always in the thoughts that I never let come to fore. Whenever thoughts of them come up, I purposely push them back down. I am tired of the mourning that never seems to end, and the infinite sadness that comes with it. But it is always there, just waiting.

So here I am --- yelling at people from Northwest that their online promo is nothing but baloney (damn their ticket designators and fare basis crap!). I know that I can't run away from my own thoughts, but I'm determined to try anyway. I realize that they will always be with me, and that the sadness will be here for a while. I know as soon as I unpack my suitcase from whatever "vacation" I've conjured up for us, I unpack my emotional baggage as well.

It is strange to be Sisyphus again.

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