I want to be a good mom.
I don't want to persist in being the absentee mom I've been for the last 2 years of Pilar's life. I want to take a more active role. I want to be there for her.
And yet, despite this pressing need in my heart to be a better mom, my own selfishness makes me feel torn.
I also want to have more time for myself.
I want to take long naps.
Surf the net.
Waste countless hours reading books and my back issues of Oprah.
I want to have a pedicure.
On top of all this, I feel the pressure of returning to the office mounting. I know there are deadlines. There are timetables, and projects that are wasting away because I've spent the last couple of days being with Pilar.
So I have parental guilt, personal guilt and professional guilt.
How wonderful is that?
There must be some way to balance all of this out.
A way to spend more time with Pilar and be the parent she needs and deserves.
There must be a way to find time for myself. To read, to relax, to get rid of 2 week old nail polish.
At least work will always be there when I get back. Nothing a couple of overtimes can't cure.
As Yoda always says - there must be balance in the force.