Friday, March 31, 2006

In Motel 6

Stuck in a strange and some what sleazy hotel along Ramos Street in Cebu City where apparently they have not heard of providing guests with cable tv. So am taking the time to start a new blog which is really just an extension of my other blog...but a more private and (dare I say it) honest one.

I was going to take a nap but couldn't sleep with my fight with John still running in my mind.

"I feel my love fading,
like cesspools left by the tide,
drying inwards"

The other blog (the public one) waxes happy and philosophic. It shows the me that I think I should be --- happy, content, living the enviable married life that everyone thinks I have.

This blog, is the me I am inside. Confused, lonely, unhappy and neurotic. Constantly wondering why I am not living the life everyone thinks they see.

I often wonder what it would be like if we were no longer together. Or if we had never gotten together at all. This life, this marriage, is so different from what I thought it was going to be. I am not the wife he thought he wanted. He is not the husband I thought he was going to be.

Ifs. And buts.

I keep wanting to end the charade. This half-lived purgatory of broken promises and unfulfilled expectations. The sheer disappointment of it all. But the strength always leaves me when I get worn down by his logical arguments. And the thought of the logistical hassles of moving out. I don't relish the thought of having to explain why the perfect tandem of John and Tanya wasn't so perfect after all. And whose fault was it anyway.

I light the illegal cigarette and wish everything was as easy to blow off as the smoke that crowds the front of this screen.

1 comment:

nature said...

oh tanya...

there is such a thing as friendship.

for the times you want to sail away, be happy for your anchor. there are enough floating aimlessly at sea.

for the times you are miserable, there is someone to hold. you will hold him trying not to cry. he will try, for your sake, not to look helpless.

for the times that have become mundane, prosaic, and day-to-day normal, there is someone who wishes it weren't so, knowing full well the best days are still those shared with you.

be happy, love.