Do, or do not --- there is no trying

I want to be a good mom.

I don't want to persist in being the absentee mom I've been for the last 2 years of Pilar's life. I want to take a more active role. I want to be there for her.

And yet, despite this pressing need in my heart to be a better mom, my own selfishness makes me feel torn.

I also want to have more time for myself.

I want to take long naps.

Surf the net.

Waste countless hours reading books and my back issues of Oprah.

I want to have a pedicure.

On top of all this, I feel the pressure of returning to the office mounting. I know there are deadlines. There are timetables, and projects that are wasting away because I've spent the last couple of days being with Pilar.

So I have parental guilt, personal guilt and professional guilt.

How wonderful is that?

There must be some way to balance all of this out.

A way to spend more time with Pilar and be the parent she needs and deserves.

There must be a way to find time for myself. To read, to relax, to get rid of 2 week old nail polish.

At least work will always be there when I get back. Nothing a couple of overtimes can't cure.

Sigh.

As Yoda always says - there must be balance in the force.